Spontaneous Planning

The recent events with the Covid19 pandemic and the Black Lives Matter protests around the world have made me step back and contemplate a bit on my own life. How did I get to where I am today? Of course, there was a lot of hard work, self-confidence, taking risks, making sacrifices, making mistakes, good education, intelligence, a bit of luck. These are all ingredients that people normally mention when they talk about successful lives and they are all true. However, are these the only ingredients? Let me name a few that I believe are fundamental to set you up for success:

1. Safe environment to grow 

I was born in the mid-80s in the late Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia. By the age of 6, Yugoslavia was history as well as communism, and I started school in the independent democratic Republic of Croatia. The fall of Yugoslavia resulted in a bloody war in Croatia and Bosnia, and I remember my first years of school spent frequently in bomb shelters day and night, seeing a lot of refugees, hearing bombs on a few occasions. Those were some rough times. I was very young back then so I did not understand the situation to the extent as I do today, and also my parents tried to shield us as much as possible from the sad reality. Looking back, I consider myself very lucky growing up in Zagreb, not having to move forcefully out of my home, having all my family safe and sound. Many people did not come out of the war as lucky, and many people around the world are not that lucky even today. 

The war ended by mid-90s and since then peace and overall safety is what we are used to in Croatia and the majority of Europe. People sometimes fail to recognize how important this is for individuals to fulfil their life goals. Up until 75 years ago the world was constantly in war since the dawn of ages. After that it was in cold war for another 45 years. Our grandparents and parents did not have opportunities like we do today since there was constant uncertainty. Back then people moved to another country either for political or economic reasons. It is hard to understand it until you see it yourself. I will never forget the first time I visited a Croatian community in Montreal, upon my arrival to Canada. It was the annual celebration of the Great Virgin Mary (a huge Catholic holiday, especially in the Mediterranean) on August 15th, 2010 in one of the local churches. When I arrived at the party, I immediately noticed that the Croatians there were a bit different. I could not quite put my finger on it, I just felt they are not the same Croatians as I know from Croatia. After speaking to some of them I learned that the majority of them were part of families that moved to Canada during the 50-80s, in search for either political asylum or better economic opportunities. Many of them did not visit Croatia since many years ago and they still had the same view of Croatia as they remember it. When I was asked why I had come to Canada I answered: “Because of adventure. I wanted to see how it is to live abroad, I got an opportunity in Montreal, and I decided to go for it.” I will never forget the look people gave me when they heard the answer. I was like some alien creature in their eyes, as if I came from Mars and not Zagreb. They just could not believe that I came to Canada by choice. At first, I found it very strange for someone living in such a modern country to think like this, but after some thought I realized that it absolutely made sense. Many people must make certain big decisions in life based on pure survival mode for themselves and their families, and this depends a lot on the environment where they grew up. Of course, their children who grow up in Canada will have a different starting point and therefor might have a more similar view to mine.

I grew up in a safe environment which enabled me to gain the education I needed and pursue a life path that I wanted, with my safe environment always there to fall back on in case things don’t turn out the way I wanted. For this I am grateful.

2. Health

I grew up in a residential neighborhood in Zagreb with my parents and two brothers, on the fourth floor of an apartment building. We had three neighboring apartments, in two of them lived elderly ladies (one of them is still alive and is like a Grandmother to us), and in the third one lived initially two families: one family with two sons and the other with two daughters. Later, the first family had a third son and the second family moved elsewhere. All of us children were around the same age so you can imagine how much fun was our childhood. It was like having four additional brothers and sisters! As kids we were always together, playing, fighting, running between apartments. Later on, as the second family moved away and all of us started school and developed our own interests we did not hang out as much anymore but we always stayed connected. Then something horrible happened, something that forever marked our lives. The second son of our neighbors got cancer and, after several years of struggle, he died at the age of 23 (his 24^th birthday was supposed to be a few weeks later). I was 20 years old then and it was the first time I experienced up close a young person suffering and dying like this. My maternal Grandfather died much earlier from cancer, and my paternal Grandparents died around that time as well, but this was different. It was horrible to see such a young person die in such suffering. The family of the boy never fully recovered from this and the atmosphere in the entire building was never quite the same again, even today it is a painful topic for all. I still think about him occasionally and about the whole situation, I wonder where he would be if he was alive today. It feels so unfair something like this happened, but over the years one learns it is just how things are. Later, in life I experienced many friends and colleagues get sick, and some died. And over the years, with each new experience and sad story I understood more and more how important health is, and not only your own health but health of your family. Health is what I consider as one of the key factors that enable happiness and success, and it is something that is mostly outside of our control. Many people wave their hand when you say that, like this is so obvious. But very few people really think about health as a contributor to their success in life. Let’s look at my example:

When I was studying at the University, my father suddenly fell very ill due to a rare heart condition and had to undergo a long complex heart surgery. It was a very stressful moment for my family, but luckily the surgery was a success and my father got a second chance in life. Prior to this he led quite a stressful life and smoked a lot. We spoke to him on countless occasions to stop smoking without success. Strangely enough the heart condition had nothing to do with the smoking, however my father stopped smoking immediately after hearing the prognosis. After the surgery he started leading a healthier life, running every second day, and never again touching a cigarette. I like to believe that he had a wake-up call, not only for his health but also what it could do to his family. Five years later I got the opportunity to move to Canada and start a new promising career path. The fact that my family was alive and healthy made this decision much easier. I actually still remember having that talk with my father prior to leaving for Canada, that he must continue with his new routine because I do not want to have to worry about him on the other side of the planet. And he did. While I was moving around the world on different projects and living my dream at the time, I could do that stress-free, having my health and knowing that my family is alive and well. Five years after my move to Canada my father’s heart unfortunately gave out and he died very suddenly. This was the worst moment of my life. I will never forget that horrific flight from Montreal to Zagreb after hearing the news, knowing that only two days ago I spoke cheerfully to my Dad and now I am going to his funeral. After that moment everything changed, the first year my family suffered a lot and I was working in Seattle at that point on a project, being further away from them than ever. So, I decided to move back to Europe to be closer to them. And this is where I am today. Even though career wise USA/Canada would probably be a better choice than Spain, the mental health of my family and me outweigh any career. The move itself opened other opportunities but that I’ll talk about on another occasion. 

As mentioned before, illness and death are part of everyone’s life at one point or another.  What is important is how you use your time when health is on your side. Having a healthy self and a healthy family for most of my life enabled me to take on certain challenges and certain opportunities that were completely life changing. For this I am grateful.  

3. Loving family

I always find it very sweet when hearing Oscar winner speeches or interviews of famous athletes after a victory that start with: “I would like to thank my Mom, or my parents…”. In that moment you see these people not as super stars but as everyday people who had a dream and made it come true with support from their parents. Growing up in a loving and supported environment is something fundamental in a person’s development. There are numerous studies and documentaries related to early child development and how it is impacted by parental behavior (the latest one I saw is the documentary Babies on Netflix), not to mention the impact of having no parental figure. But it goes way beyond the early child development, the support of parents and family in general throughout all our life can significantly alter the path each of us take at any given moment.

When I was in elementary school my best friend at the time was a very smart and ambitious girl who loved sports, especially basketball. Her father, however, had different ideas about her development and wanted her to focus on his primary ambition in life, music. So, she played the violin during the entire time we went to elementary school. She liked the violin but not as much as she liked basketball. To make matters worse, she was good at both violin and basketball. I remember we talked about this a lot and she tried to explain to her father her own ambitions and desires in life, however it was futile. After elementary school, my friend and I drifted apart since we went to different high schools (she, of course, had to go to the music high school). After some years I learned that she quit school, moved out of her parents’ house to live with a boyfriend and became a waitress. I am sure her father loved her and wanted what was best for her, however his blind ambition and lack of support for her own ambitions ended up in less than ambitious way. I ran into her again a few years back, she is happily married with kids now, so her story did not end bad. However, I still wonder where she would be if she had the support from her parents to pursue her passions.

My family and upbringing, on the other hand, were quite different. In this domain I feel like a very lucky person because love and support were the one thing that was never missing in my family. My father and mother both came from small villages in the south of Croatia to study at the University in Zagreb. This is where they met, fell in love, and got married. They had three kids, two boys and a girl in the middle. Both came to Zagreb to create a better starting point for their children and that turned into their primary focus in life. My father had a career in finance and a period where he ran his own business. My Mom juggled a job with household during part of our childhood after which she decided to stay at home and take care of the family full-time, in order to ensure all three of us focus purely on our education and personal development. When it came to methods of upbringing, my mother was always the bad cop, trying to keep us focused on our studies and fine manners, while my father was the good cop, always very tolerant and permissive. As an example, during one of the first years of school I got a 1 in something (the lowest grade), I came home and went to tell my Dad first. He told me: “that’s OK princess, here is five kunas (a little less than a dollar), go buy yourself an ice-cream”. When my Mom found out later, she was furious at me and my Dad. Another example was the last year of elementary school when I decided to skip one class of physics with my friends. My Mom caught me and forced me to go to the class mid-way through. It was super embarrassing, as you can imagine. (To make matters worse, I was actually very good at physics so the whole incident was quite silly.) Overall, my parents had different raising methods but as a team they functioned great and they made all big decisions together. Looking back, I had an unforgettable childhood and youth, always filled with love and laughter.

We were never a family very rich in money, however my parents never let this interfere with our academic growth and interests. All three of us were raised equally, with the same level of investment, pushing us to do our best, supporting our interests, guiding us in decision making, and supporting us in decisions we take. As an example, all three of us went for private English lessons since the age of 7, a practice quite rare in Croatia at the time. Also, all of us played sports of our preference during our elementary and high school, with practices and games almost a daily routine. The countless hours and money my Dad spent taking us to school, language classes, volleyball practice, football practice, dance lessons, karate class,…The countless sleepless nights waiting for us or picking us up from parties, sleep-overs, nightclubs,…The money my parents came up with for several of our European trips during high school and University, sports tournaments,…My Mom always ensuring we have a clean home and homecooked meal when we come home, her constant pushing to always do our best and never settle for less…When it came to our decisions in life with regards to career and interests, we were not always on the same page but ultimately my parents would stand by us and support our decision. As an example my younger brother was a big talent in football which was my father’s dream (like every father in Croatia), however in high school he decided to quit football and start with his big passion, breakdancing. My father was heartbroken and fought over it with my brother for months, however in the end my Mom stepped in, told my Dad to stop with the sick ambitions and let the child do what he loves. After this my father never said a bad word about breakdancing and supported my brother, who in the end turned out to be quite a great breakdancer (he still does it today). On a similar note, my Mom and I never saw eye to eye when it comes to career vs family (she preferred me working in less “male-dominating” industry, married sooner and being closer to Croatia). We debated on this for several years after I moved abroad, even my Dad stepped in at one point and told my Mom: “how do you know she would find someone in Croatia and get married anyway?” However, despite our differences in opinion, my Mom has been supporting my life path all the way. Who do you think helped me move on so many occasions?

When I look at where we all are today, my brothers and I, all three Engineers, complete persons with good jobs and lives, loving and supporting towards each other, I know my parents had the right formula for their children’s success, and for that I am grateful.

4. Freedom and Equality

My Dad used to say: “Freedom is the one undeniable right of every person”. Many believe slavery is a thing of the past. However, looking at the present world, freedom is still a luxury for many. Here are some numbers related to modern slavery (insert from Wikipedia): The International Labour Organization estimates that, by their definitions, over 40 million people are in some form of slavery today. 24.9 million people are in forced labor, of whom 16 million people are exploited in the private sector such as domestic work, construction or agriculture; 4.8 million persons in forced sexual exploitation, and 4 million persons in forced labor imposed by state authorities. 15.4 million people are in forced marriage. And it goes beyond slavery; In my life so far I have met and worked with people from several countries where still many people cannot make life choices for themselves, whether it is due to social and economic status, culture, religion, family expectations. Some of my close friends come from such environments. Who you love or marry, what you wear, who you vote for, whether you get an education or a job and what kind, where you go and with who, these are the type of decisions not everyone is allowed to make, and it is not specific to just one country or region. Freedom and equality regardless of race, gender, cultural background, sex preference or social status is something people still fight for all over the world, and it is a critical factor for any person’s success and ultimately happiness. In the Western world many people tend to disregard this topic as something already resolved but when you look around a bit more broadly than your own circle of family and friends you can see that, even though we have come a long way, there is still a long way ahead. I’ve started contemplating more about this since I started travelling more outside of Europe and I like to look back at my own upbringing.

I was raised in social democracy for most of my life, with freedom, same legal and social starting point for all, some say a more humanized capitalism with a lesser level of inequality. Aside from peace, that is the greatest benefit of living in Europe. (OK, I am glorifying Europe a bit here, it is not that ideal, but it took centuries, even millennia, of war and chaos to get Europe to where it is today and today it is a great place to grow up in, from my own experience.) My country, Croatia, (one of the small jewels of the European Mediterranean 😊), still has a majority Caucasian Catholic population (in recent years it started slowly changing) so when I was growing up there was not so much diversity one would come across. Of course, it wasn’t without bias, the biggest being gender bias for me. LGBTQ+ is another topic which even today causes heated discussions in Croatia; however, I will not touch base on it on this occasion, I’ll stick to gender bias. I know of cases, even in my own extended family, where there was very different approach to raising sons and daughters. There is even an old saying in rural parts of Croatia: “you can either have a son or a child”. There was also quite a traditional way of approaching family values, especially in the Southern part of Croatia, where my family is originally from. Nowadays things are less and less patriarchal and traditional, but when I was growing up there were still some double standards in society.  I will never forget when I announced to my extended family that I will study Electrical Engineering, and my uncle said to my older brother with me sitting right by his side that I will never make it even through the first year. I remember distinctly that he did not even look me in the eyes when he said it. Most of my extended family did not see me as a very smart person when I was growing up, or at least not as smart as my older brother (who in fact is quite brilliant). Over the years this perception changed with most of my relatives (although I think a few still do not want to admit to themselves that I am successful and smart). Another jewel was my first-to-fourth grade teacher who, I will never know why, held a “career guidance” session with us eight year old’s and told me that I would not amount to anything above average, at the same time predicting brilliant lives and careers for a few of my male colleagues who in the end did not amount to anything other than drug abuse. I am not sure where this perception came from, maybe because I was a cute shy “girly” girl as a child (people who know me today would not believe it but I was very shy as a child). I guess shy girl equals to less than smart and ambitious girl in eyes of some, regardless of what you accomplish. Luckily, I did not let these remarks bother me too much, so I still did what I wanted. My parents had a big part to play in building this confidence. As mentioned before, they raised all three of their children as equals in every way. That meant all three of us went for English lessons, all three of us got to play sports that we wanted, all three of us got the same treatment when it came to studies and interests. My older brother and I were only 2 years apart, so we had some similar interests when growing up, one of them being travelling. When we got an opportunity to go to Paris and Lisbon for New Year celebration with a youth organization, my parents found money for both of us to go. It could never be one or the other, it was either all or none. The only exception was house chores, where my Mom used to push me a bit harder than my brothers with the excuse of them being boys. I debated on this with her as well and managed to win my battle to at least a certain extend (for instance, I never cleaned my brothers rooms, and why should I, after all they have two arms and legs as well). All three of us went to the same top high school and went to Engineering schools, and ultimately we all ended up in Ericsson as our first company, my oldest brother being the biggest influence on us. When I decided to go to Engineering school my Mom was a bit resistant, she told me she did not want me competing with men all my life. Observe, she was not concerned I would not be able to study it or be successful, she was more concerned that others would make me feel I could not do it. Luckily, the Engineering world did not turn out to be that bad. It is true that starting from University onwards I was always the only girl or one of the few girls on my team, and the higher I climbed the latter the bigger rarity I was. However, this is not always a bad thing. Being different means you get remembered more easily, especially if you are good at what you do, and you believe in it. Also, growing up with two brothers I have learned how to swim in a male environment. However, I have met many female colleagues all around the world who lack that confidence, and I recognize that this problem is much wider among female than male professionals. How many times have I heard a female friend or colleague say they did not apply for a job position because they thought they would never get it anyway…? This is why I always try to find opportunities for participating in diverse hiring, coaching friends and colleagues, and I am always happy to hear when this coaching makes a difference (for instance, someone reaches their target, gets a promotion or completely shifts careers).

My parents were not only pro gender equality, but they were also quite liberal parents for their time. If you remember my introduction story, I had a boyfriend in Spain in my late teens / early twenties. He was not only of different nationality and culture but also significantly older than me. Before we even started our romance, he came to Croatia and met my parents. As much as he was a nice guy (and he was) my parents did not take the whole matter so lightly, especially my father. When I got an invitation to visit my new friend in Spain, it took a long discussion between my parents to allow me to go. However, my parents felt that they needed to trust me to make the right choice, they did not believe in forbidding or grounding their kids because that would just lead the kids to rebel and make mistakes behind their parent’s back. So, they allowed me to go to Spain. A lot of our family members disagreed and thought my parents were crazy. However, my parents chose to stick to their beliefs, and it worked out. Also, it created an unbreakable trust circle between my parents and their kids. When I decided to move to Canada as a single 25-year old girl, my parents and brothers, even though it was very difficult for them to say goodbye to their only daughter and sister, trusted me and supported me all the way. After all, freedom is the one undeniable right of every person and we all must have the freedom to choose how we want to live our lives. It is not strange to hear that my father’s favorite song was “It’s my life” from Bon Jovi, and so is mine.

Despite some biases I had to overcome during my life so far, I had a supporting family and life of freedom and equal opportunities which enabled me to make choices regarding how I want to live my life, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to love. For this I am grateful.

To summarize, I have described the four ingredients I believe are critical for a person’s success. However, this is not a magic formula, there are extraordinary examples of extraordinary people who have accomplished incredible things without some of these key ingredients. I leave you with a quote from one of my favorites: Nelson Mandela.

“I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.” ― Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom: Autobiography of Nelson Mandela